Usually I want to post a blog, just so I can get a little bit of feedback, from my dad and all of you, mostly his friends, I have yet to make any of my own. I try to blog for my sake, but have trouble telling this huge internet the things that I really should be telling it.
Life has been lack luster. I am back in school and I am working at a 'fun' job and I'm only 20 years old and engaged to this amazing guy. But sometimes I just don't even want to get out of bed in the morning. I just want to curl up and cry.
Nothing particularly bad has happened. I just feel like even if I get up and shower and go to school and do my homework and finish this semester. I still have next semester and the year after that before I really start work on my degree and that will take at least four years, so I will be 25 then. That's not too bad, except that the people in my profession, unless they get their foot in the door when they are a freshman, usually don't even get to see any wild whales or do anything for years because of internships and paperwork desk jobs.
Sometimes I wonder if I will even graduate. Will I end up teaching? I don't even really like kids. I don't want to spend the rest of my life getting up early so that I can go to work so that I can earn money to pay for things I don't REALLY need. Will I be happy when I finish this semester? The next one? What about after that? Will I be happy then? Is there something I need to do that someone forgot to tell me about that will make me happy? I should be able to deal with my roommate (a dick though he may be) not wanting to share art supplies without not wanting to speak to him for a few days or wanting to hit him in the face with a metal baseball bat.
Nothing feels worth it anymore. I want Colorado to be enough for me. I don't know why I feel so worthless now. I never used to. In high school and the summer after that I felt so amazing, all the time. Galveston was hard. Harder than anyone knows, it changed me and I wish I could go back to before. I want to take it back. I feel like it took a part of me away and I don't know how to get it back.
8 comments:
You, my dear, are actually more savvy and know what you want in life than most people.
We all, even at my age, wonder if and when we'll be happy (I question that almost every day). That's just part of the human psyche.
And, don't wish for something back that is in the past. You have so much coming up in the future to look forward to. Looking back is just a waste of energy.
I know it may feel like beginning your life is so far in the future- but everyday is your life too.
Though things, at times, seem lackluster and routine and drudgery this is what is going to get you to your future.
Try not to focus on next week and next semester and next year. Focus on this week and this day. Otherwise, you will miss the FUN of each day- like your job and your boyfriend and your dog and your horse.
And don't worry- my kids are 27 and 28 and still trying to figure out their futures.
Don't despair. You just have to take one day at a time, you don't have to worry about the distant future too much now. You'll know as you go along if something feels right and you just leave it (as you say about speech classes!) and replace it with newer things that give you direction. next thin you know, you'll feel happier with what you spend your time doing.
Neat that you have a cat and dog. Hopefully, Kitten found a nice home.
It takes a lot of courage to put this out there on the Internet. You are so young with so much life ahead of you. There is time to do anything you set your sights on, and it doesn't necessarily need to involve kids. I would not have had the patience for teaching either. You need a mentor in your field who can help you stay on track. The whales are still going to be there and are going to need saving more than ever when you have the credentials it takes to do it. But I have no doubt that you will come through for them, for your dad, and for yourself!
Hi Sweetheart,
I'm in the same place --- only without the job, the sweet guy to wake up to each morning, the future 'goal' in mind.
Umm ... the mule just says, I understand how you feel. But mule wisdom escapes even me at the moment.
You're not alone ??
I think you're super fantabulous and always have.
xxx
rdm
Gewels, I saw a commercial yesterday that just completely brightened my day. It's the AT&T commercial where someone is making their fingers into a heart and it just shows different things that people like, other people, pets, nature, just nice stuff. Anyway, it made me smile and so ever since I've been trying to look at everything with a heart around it and it just lifts my mood. :)
MOM: I know, and I'll start having more fun once I get out of the basic classes I'm in and try to take an elective or something next semester so I actually want to go to class!
Barbara, I try to remember that the whales have people fighting for them now and the fight will not be over in 10 or 15 years and that it will still be a winnable fight but sometimes it just feels like soooo long from now. That's probably just because I'm so young. I have trouble posting stuff about my personal life still. I will probably get more comfortable with putting myself out there when I start posting more often.
Red Dirt Mule, I also happen to think you are super fantabulous! I thought you might understand what I'm going through, I can relate to a little bit of what you seem to be going through right now. If you think of some muleish advice for me, feel free to stop by any time!
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